who i am.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Saturday, January 28, 2012
truth be told...my mind is literally bored to death.
always having to hear the same stories.
kids think they are so different from their grandparents and parents...but you know what...they are not any different at all.
they are still talking about the same stupid shit.
still doing the same stupid shit.
still acting like they know everything when they don't.
still rebelling for fun.
still making the same bad choices.
still making the same mistakes.
still thinking that they are the first people on the planet that were original.
still thinking that their generation is going to be the generation that changes the world.
still thinking that they are better than their parents were.
still thinking that they have some secret hidden truth inside of them that noone
else has ever had in their lifetime.
and their music is all the same. with the same stories.
their lives wasted on the same adventures and dreams.
they may be "modernized"...nevertheless they are the same.
some still walk in the same patterns...
birth, school, job, relationship, kids, grandkids, death.
birth, school, drop out of school, work off and on, party on the weekends and/or when have money, go through many meaningless relationships throughout life, death.
etc...
always having to hear the same stories.
kids think they are so different from their grandparents and parents...but you know what...they are not any different at all.
they are still talking about the same stupid shit.
still doing the same stupid shit.
still acting like they know everything when they don't.
still rebelling for fun.
still making the same bad choices.
still making the same mistakes.
still thinking that they are the first people on the planet that were original.
still thinking that their generation is going to be the generation that changes the world.
still thinking that they are better than their parents were.
still thinking that they have some secret hidden truth inside of them that noone
else has ever had in their lifetime.
and their music is all the same. with the same stories.
their lives wasted on the same adventures and dreams.
they may be "modernized"...nevertheless they are the same.
some still walk in the same patterns...
birth, school, job, relationship, kids, grandkids, death.
birth, school, drop out of school, work off and on, party on the weekends and/or when have money, go through many meaningless relationships throughout life, death.
etc...
"and holiness"
...i have mixed feelings about this word.
it seems to me most people use the word in the church now to mean that they are supposed to be awe-inspiring like God...and they dress, act, and have their "confidence" as though they are God and deserve to be treated like God.
i don't think that is at all what it means...and peoples overconfidence just irritates the shit out of me.
everything about competition and striving to be better than others and beating others and trying to win...is annoying to me...so i am tired of hearing it ALL THE TIME...it's the kind of thing that makes me want to have the power to put people back in their place...to get some humility and humbleness back in their system. in my opinion they're not "confident" they are "PROUD." (...i hate the word swagger) yeah i know the devil is gathering the ammunition i am giving him to shoot me with...but at least i am being honest...i don't want to be a part of the "fake it til you make it" lie. i would rather be a (wo)man and take what is coming to me...than to be a douche that can't tell the truth about myself even if it's humiliating and makes me look bad, stupid, or ignorant.
to me...love isn't something you earn. and i feel that the world and even God sometimes comes across as people that expect me to earn their love...and i don't think i should have to. i can understand being mad at me and "hating" me for a while if i cheated with your husband, or killed someone you loved purposely or on accident, or stole something that belonged to you, or irritated you, or sold your kid the drugs that killed him, or did anything to you...but even then if you can't forgive me or still love me in the end...you don't love me...
and it frustrates me that the things people have done to me...things that hurt me or pissed me off...i have always been willing to forgive them and still loved them...but yet people are not willing to do the same for me.
it seems like i have the time to take the time to give my time to others...but they never have the time to give their time to me.
and no real relationship of any kind can really come about between two people that aren't willing to take the time to give their time to each other.
so i get bitter.
fuck it. fuck them. what's the fucking use?
we have so much inside of us...so much that we think. so much that we feel. so much that we know. so much that we want to know. so much that we want to feel. so much that we need to think.
and yet none of us has anyone to talk to about it or to work it out with or to help each other understand it more clearly...because no one wants to budge.
our human brains are supposedly so full of information and power and creativity and things that we haven't even begun to tap into yet...and yet...for most people...they are just wasted on the same old things.
...i have mixed feelings about this word.
it seems to me most people use the word in the church now to mean that they are supposed to be awe-inspiring like God...and they dress, act, and have their "confidence" as though they are God and deserve to be treated like God.
i don't think that is at all what it means...and peoples overconfidence just irritates the shit out of me.
everything about competition and striving to be better than others and beating others and trying to win...is annoying to me...so i am tired of hearing it ALL THE TIME...it's the kind of thing that makes me want to have the power to put people back in their place...to get some humility and humbleness back in their system. in my opinion they're not "confident" they are "PROUD." (...i hate the word swagger) yeah i know the devil is gathering the ammunition i am giving him to shoot me with...but at least i am being honest...i don't want to be a part of the "fake it til you make it" lie. i would rather be a (wo)man and take what is coming to me...than to be a douche that can't tell the truth about myself even if it's humiliating and makes me look bad, stupid, or ignorant.
to me...love isn't something you earn. and i feel that the world and even God sometimes comes across as people that expect me to earn their love...and i don't think i should have to. i can understand being mad at me and "hating" me for a while if i cheated with your husband, or killed someone you loved purposely or on accident, or stole something that belonged to you, or irritated you, or sold your kid the drugs that killed him, or did anything to you...but even then if you can't forgive me or still love me in the end...you don't love me...
and it frustrates me that the things people have done to me...things that hurt me or pissed me off...i have always been willing to forgive them and still loved them...but yet people are not willing to do the same for me.
it seems like i have the time to take the time to give my time to others...but they never have the time to give their time to me.
and no real relationship of any kind can really come about between two people that aren't willing to take the time to give their time to each other.
so i get bitter.
fuck it. fuck them. what's the fucking use?
we have so much inside of us...so much that we think. so much that we feel. so much that we know. so much that we want to know. so much that we want to feel. so much that we need to think.
and yet none of us has anyone to talk to about it or to work it out with or to help each other understand it more clearly...because no one wants to budge.
our human brains are supposedly so full of information and power and creativity and things that we haven't even begun to tap into yet...and yet...for most people...they are just wasted on the same old things.
Friday, January 27, 2012
"Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord:"
when i read this line i recognize that much of my bitterness is rooted in the fact that when i try to "pursue peace with all people" it usually ends in bullshit and they fuck me over or treat me like crap or hate my guts for no reason or take everything i say the wrong way or get defensive and stupid or threaten me or tell me i'm stupid or make fun of me or use what i tell them against me or for their own benefit or etc..etc..etc... so it frustrates the hell out of me to try to "pursue peace with all people" because MOST people don't fucking want peace...they just want to be right or have it their way or get away with what they want or do whatever they want and tell you to fuck off when you are trying to be rational, dignified and "peaceful." i would like to note that it is also written in the Bible that all men run to blood and violence...so obviously pursuing peace with humans bearing warring hearts is kinda difficult to say the least...and if you don't want to put up with the bullshit (like me) it's hard to motivate yourself to even be around them much less try to engage in a conversation with a stubborn ass that refuses to see any other way but its own.
when i read this line i recognize that much of my bitterness is rooted in the fact that when i try to "pursue peace with all people" it usually ends in bullshit and they fuck me over or treat me like crap or hate my guts for no reason or take everything i say the wrong way or get defensive and stupid or threaten me or tell me i'm stupid or make fun of me or use what i tell them against me or for their own benefit or etc..etc..etc... so it frustrates the hell out of me to try to "pursue peace with all people" because MOST people don't fucking want peace...they just want to be right or have it their way or get away with what they want or do whatever they want and tell you to fuck off when you are trying to be rational, dignified and "peaceful." i would like to note that it is also written in the Bible that all men run to blood and violence...so obviously pursuing peace with humans bearing warring hearts is kinda difficult to say the least...and if you don't want to put up with the bullshit (like me) it's hard to motivate yourself to even be around them much less try to engage in a conversation with a stubborn ass that refuses to see any other way but its own.
yeah, so...i was consumed by bitterness. but just to be completely honest and fair...when there is a root of bitterness springing up inside you...it's kinda hard not to be bitter.
this is how i like to spend my time...thinking about these kinds of things...and since it has everything to do with where i stand with God and the future of my soul...i think it is well worth the time to defend myself and/or at least try to understand why i am condemned for it...so here it goes.
"Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled; lest there be any fornicator or profane person like Esau, who for one morsel of food sold his birthright. For you know that afterward, when he wanted to inherit the blessing, he was rejected, for he found no place for repentance, though he sought it diligently with tears."
this is how i like to spend my time...thinking about these kinds of things...and since it has everything to do with where i stand with God and the future of my soul...i think it is well worth the time to defend myself and/or at least try to understand why i am condemned for it...so here it goes.
"Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled; lest there be any fornicator or profane person like Esau, who for one morsel of food sold his birthright. For you know that afterward, when he wanted to inherit the blessing, he was rejected, for he found no place for repentance, though he sought it diligently with tears."
Sunday, December 18, 2011
i don't know what else to say...i miss it here. the honesty...the openness. there was no need to hold things in or act for anyone. this brutal cold. this dark place that i am destined to be drained out in...i've got to get out. my eyes go blind trying to escape having to see this. my heart breaks itself in order to not have to feel it. i cry but don't know what for anymore. there is too much time between what could have been and what is. the mother that failed is the same mother that succeeded. the father that left is the same father that lingered. the sister that strove is the same sister that gave up. the man of my dreams is the same man that woke me up. there is no real existence here...just passing. passing time. passing through. passing on. sensation, emotion, and experience drowning. there is nothing to see here. empty cages or empty hearts. empty cages and empty hearts.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Matthew 7:15Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves. 16Ye shall know them by their fruits.
Galatians 5:19 The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.
Galatians 5:19 The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.
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